Rich Boy, Poor Boy
by Formerly JVM-SP150
Summary: When the class nerd Kevin Stoley wins a ten million dollar prize in a Star Wars contest, his popularity soars to surprising new heights. Eric Cartman will do anything to be Kevin's new best friend, and he's not the only kid in the running. Kevin's old friends don't want to be forgotten though. REPOST AHOY
1. Chapter 1

_Originally written in March 2011._

**South Park: Unleashed**

**"Rich Boy, Poor Boy"**

_by the SPU Team_

The Stoley dining room wall had a bright sky blue wall - much like the colors of the shirts of many in the room. Six people were seated at the table eating - a boy with a mop of black hair named Kevin, who was forking down some meatloaf. He wore a sky blue jacket with a red trim, and next to him sat his similarly dressed sister Esther, who wore a sky blue jacket with a frilly pink trim. Although the siblings looked alike and acted somewhat alike, they had been steadily growing apart over time. Across from them sat an old couple, one with balding black hair in a uniform labeled 'City Wok' and an older looking woman with black hair in a dress. Finally, on opposite sides sat a woman in her late thirties with black hair to her shoulders and a calculating look on her face in a sky blue shirt and pink pants. Opposite her a man with black hair and a very American look, in a business coat.

"So kids, how was school?" asked the father, Nicholas in the business suit.

"Oh, it was okay today. We did a project on comic books. Me and Red spent recess playing Jedi again." Kevin answered.

"Yeah, I did pretty good on my project. I stayed in for recess to make sure it was extra good. Mr. Garrison said I was the best artist in the whole fourth grade." Esther smirked.

"Tabby, what's the matter with the meat loaf tonight? It's stale. You've done much better work." he said, lifting his fork and eyeing it suspiciously as if he'd poked some alien lifeform.

"It's perfectly fine, Nick, maybe all that international cuisine you eat spoils you too much." muttered his wife dryly in defense of her work.

"Uhh... I got an A+ on my spelling test." Kevin interrupted, hoping to end the argument.

"That's good." replied Nicholas, "Good to hear you're keeping up with your studies."

"Yeah, you need to keep up so you can take care of us in our old age." Tabitha noted.

"...it wasn't an A+ it was an A-." muttered Esther, who was promptly shoved by her brother, "Hey! I'm just being honest."

"I wasn't trying to brag!"

"That doesn't make it okay!" Esther protested.

"Oh, we have mail for Kevin." Tuong said, taking out an envelope, "Shays you won contesht or shomething."

"A contest?" Kevin took it, opening it, "Oh my God!"

"What?" Esther asked.

"Remember that contest I entered at ? The one with the million dollar prize?"

"Yeah?"

"I won." Kevin smiled.

"HOWY SHIT NO WAY!" Tuong exclaimed. "We have 10 million dowar?!" Tuong suddenly got up and started breaking things out of enthusiam

"Oh my God, awesome!" Esther smiled.

"...so this means you'll get a job soon, right?" asked Tabitha.

xXx

Mr. Garrison's Fourth Grade Classroom was busy as the kids began getting in their seats for the day's lesson. Kevin Stoley took his seat in the middle, having collected his money the previous night after dinner. Maybe he should give some away? Just to his friends? Maybe everyone?

entered the room with the day's plans. "Good morning class, first thing first everyone turn in your math homework from last night."

"Shit homework what fucking homework?!" Cartman gasped.

Kevin took out his homework, leaning a bit, "Hey Red, you won't guess what happened last night." he said quietly but with excitement.

Red sifted through her folder a bit before pulling out her homework as she responded. "What?" She asked quietly

"I won the contest. A million dollars, dude." he smirked.

"Whoa no fucking way!" Red replied a bit of a louder tone then a whisper causing a few heads to turn. She quickly covers her mouth. "Sorry" She lowered her voice. "No way..." She repeated

"It's true!" Kevin said, smiling, "A whole million dollars! And I don't have to it share it with anyone!" he said, "...You can have some if you want though."

"Is there a problem Kevin?" said suddenly noticing that the two students weren't paying attention.

"No."

"Ok then pay attention!" demanded as everyone passes in their homework. "Today's lesson is very important..." he said, turning around, "Now can anyone tell me in what episode of Desperate Housewives..."

"So dude, a million dollars? What was the contest about again?" Red whispered.

"Well I entered a couple... there was one about building Jabba the Hutt out of toothpicks, a 5,000 word essay on who shot first, oh, and there was one for anything at all that justified the use of Jar-Jar. I entered all three."

"You did?"

"Yep. And I WON."

"How?"

"Easy. I was the only person who entered the Jar-Jar one." Kevin said, taking notes.

"How in God's name did you manage that?" Red asked.

"You see, I just wrote about how Jar-Jar's important because in Episode-"

"Mr. Stoley, what's so important you have to interrupt my class? This is important! Do you have any idea how important the plot of the fifth season of Desperate Housewives is to getting an A on your exams!?"

"Well, no I-"

"Oh, so now you have to smart mouth me? Why don't you come up here and tell us what's so important for Miss Tucker to know?"

"Haha, Kevin's talking to his dumb little ginger girlfriend!" Cartman laughed.

"Shut up fatass!" Red and Kevin said simultaneously. Kevin took the stand, "So, uh, I entered a contest at and I won a million dollars because I justified Jar-Jar's existence-"

"A million dollars? Uh, sorry what I said earlier, brah!" Cartman apologized, thinking, "Maybe if I'm nice to him he'll let me use his money and I can be rich, too!"

"...uhh, Cartman, you're saying that out loud." Kyle said.

"FUCK YOU KYLE YOU STUPID JEW."

"Well its true fatass, you just ripped on him like five seconds ago and now you wnat to be nice to him for the money."

"Nuh uh! I was just pointing out and helping him along to the front."

"And you just stated-"

"NO!"

"YOU JUST SAID FIVE SECONDS AGO YOU'D TAKE HIS MONEY!"

"LALALALA I CAN'T HEAR YOU, KAHL!" Cartman said, putting his fingers in his ears.

Kyle was turing red in the face when Stan leaned over and tapped his best freind on the shoulder. "Kyle? Just let it go."

"But he's using him!"

"Just, don't let it bother you dude." Kevin had been cut off mid-sentence by Cartman and kyle's outburst, those two always seemed to be the center of attention, no wonder he was always in the background. He looked over to his sister, who was drawing in a notebook, Red however gave him a reassuing smile.

"Kevin, I think we've heard enough. Obviously you cheated because Jar-Jar cannot be justified. Now get back to your seat while Mr. and Mrs. Broflvoski argue." Mr. Garrison said, "Now class, we're done with Chick shows, let's start doing some Math problems." Kevin quietly sat back down in his seat. ignoring the teachings of Mr. Garrison, he pulled out his Star Wars wallet and took out his debit card in his hand, turning it over in his lap, he looked up agian to see the entire class was turned aorund in their seats looking at him. Well, he was always a nice guy.

"Say Kevin, have I ever told you how much I, uhhh, admire you?" Cartman said, "'cuz I totally think you're like, awesome and stuff."

"Shut up Cartman!" Kenny said, taking the reigns of voice of reason with Kyle quiet.

"Kinny, you prick, you just wanna be Kevin's friend cuz you're poor and stupid!" Cartman said, "Sorry Kev, Kinny's just being a prick." The bell rang loudly and Kevin grabbed his books and shoved the wallet in his back pack, heading out the door. He was usually followed by his posse of Red and Bradley and noticed Cartman was trying to shove his freinds out of the way to walk next to him out the door.

"So, uh, Kevin, can I carry your books for you?"

"...thanks Cartman, but it's, uh, fine." Kevin said, a bit puzzled. He knew Cartman was up to something, but it still was odd to see Cartman acting so kind.

Kyle rolled his eyes in disgust and pushed past both of them out the door but Stan hung back. "Hey Kevin, we were gonna get together a game of football in the playground if you wanted to join us!"

Bebe and Heidi passed by giggling to eachother. "That Kevin Stoley sure is cute!"

"I know Heidi, he's got such a nice ass! See you later Kevin!" Bebe winked and both girls headed down the hallway

Cartman took off his hat and licked the back of his hand to slick down his hair, attemping to give Keivn his most angelic smile. "You know you can always hang out with us, even Stan's cool with it, right stan?"

"Yeah sure dude, you've always been cool Kevin." Stan said this as he looked away from him and put his hands in his pockets. Wendy came out next with Red following her. Red broke away and went up to her best freind.

"Hey Red." Kevin greeted, smiling at his best friend, "Sorry about Cartman."

Cartman was still trying to win Kevin over with a smile, Stan grabbed his freind by the sleeve and pulled him down the hallway "Come on fatass, leave them alone! We'll save a spot open for you okay dude!"

Kevin just stood numbly in the hallway and Red gave him a smile and a laugh, 'That was...interesting." Esther had taken her time gathering up her books and witnessed the whole exchange.

"Yeah dude, hell has frozen over, you're popular! But Kevin," Esther poked him in the chest. "Don't forget who your true friends were first." Kevin nodded,

"I won't, I won't just that..." Kevin looked down the hallway. "You think Stan and Cartman would play lightsabers with us? Cartman would make an excellent Sith Lord."

Bradley entered the hallway, or more like pranced in, "Hey, I thought I was your best Sith Lord!"

"You are dude, just, sometimes you can be too..."

Bradley did a pirouette and stopped right in front of his freind. "Too what?"

"Ummm...nice." Kevin admitted, "Closest thing to a Sith Lord we can get is Terrance, Bill and Fosse..."

"Whatever you say, Kevin! SHABALADOO!" Bradley took off down the hall, leaving Kevin alone with Red. She gave her typical shy smile and walked next to him at a steady pace. "So Kev, a million dollars and all this pressure, what will you do? What do you want to buy first?"

"Well the first priority would be to my family, they wanted some money for stuff around the house and to remodel the buisness. And anything Esther wants of course... but after that whatever's left will go to my freinds."

"Yeah that's nice about your family, but what about YOU Kevin? What do you want?" Red asked.

"Anything you want Red? Is there somethng you couldn't afford that I could possibly get you?"

Red stood in the hall and grabbed Kevin by the shoulder, her green eyes looking into his darker ones. "But nothing for yourself? Not Star Wars stuff, or a new game system or something?"

Kevin looked away and blushed "Well maybe... this is going to be dorky, but there's a rumor made a real lightsaber from Japan, it can literally cut though objects and everything... some techonology that's probably illegal here in the States, it's like two-thousand dollars, a pipe dream."

"Until now, is that right?" Red smirked.

"Yeah Red, I never realized, I can afford that now! I can afford anything!" Kevin smiled. The two continued walking and stepped outside into the chilly air - the playground was usually filled with all the shouts of the children except today was a bit different, everyone seemed to be shouting Kevin's name. Suddenly he was like Norm from Cheers. Kevin raised an eyebrow, a bit flustered from the sudden recognition. He kinda figured he wanted to stick with his usual friends, but then again, this might not last. Maybe he should take advantage of the situation?

"Hey Kevin, Kevin, come here, play football with us!" Cartman said, waving him over, "We left a spot open for you just like we said!"

"Yeah, I was gonna play but Eric volunteered I stay out." Butters said, sitting on the sidelines, "But that's fine. I can play in the snow! Loo loo loo loo, I've got some apples, loo loo loo loo, you've go some too..."

Kevin gave Red a look and she smiled and went off towards the girl territory of the palyground and Kevin happy jogged over to the playing field. Stan stepped forward. "Alright Kevin is on my team." A blue gloved finger flipped him off.

"Says who? Kevin should be on our team." Craig gave Stan another finger when Cartman came between them.

"We need Kevin on our team, so we can be the kewlest and be sure to win."

"Your team isn't that good, your fatass can't run, Kyle throws like a girl and Kenny is scrawny. The only decent player you have is Stan... and Kevin of couse. We need him lardass." Kevin rolled his eyes, the kids were acting a bit juvenile, but he figured for once he'd take in the attention.

"Look guys..." Kevin took some of the money he'd taken out in cash earlier and handed each of the kids $50 each, "There. Now stop fighting. This is why I don't normally play Football with you guys. It's just a game."

"Yeah Kevin's right, football's stupid, let's play uhh... what does Kevin like playing?" Cartman asked.

"Star Wars." Kenny said.

"Jeez Kinny, you're such a dick, you just love taking advantage of Kevin! He's a nice guy, okay? I know your family's poor but if you want charity you shouldn't pretend to be someone's friend over it!" Kyle bunched his fists into frustration but Stan gave him a hard look, and Kyle walked off towards the swings grumbling to himself.

"Uhh... you guys can stay here... maybe I'll just go play with my normal friends." Kevin said.

"No, no Kevin, play with us." Clyde protested. Kevin decided he could take one day of popularity,

"Uhh, I guess we can play Star Wars." he took out his toy lightsaber, "Anyone else have one?" Clyde took out one, as did Token. The other kids picked up sticks. "Uhh... Craig, Clyde, Token, Jimmy, Tweek, you guys can be the Sith. Me, Eric, Stan, Kenny and... uhh, Butters I guess you can come back."

"Neat-o!" Butters joined the group again. "So we're Jedis right?" he said, taking out a toy lightsaber as well.

"Yeah, we're the Jedi!" Clyde cried.

"Heheheh, Star Wars is gay." Fosse said on the sidelines.

"Huhuhhuh, yeah!" Bill replied.

Kyle shrugged and went over by the swings, which Red, Bradley, Terrance and Esther were currently using, "Um, hey." Kyle shrugged.

"Hey Kyle." Red and Bradley said nearly in unison.

"Greetings Plebian." Terrance said. Why do these dorks follow him around? Right, right, the genuis intellect. Kyle's hands were in his pockets as he confronted the group. "Well you came all the way over here! Speak!"

"I don't know. I know you guys are Kevin's friends but you seem so... I mean he's ignoring you guys and just using his money to buy friends! Doesn't that piss you off?"

"Me and Kevin are not friends." Terrance clarified, causing Kyle to simply roll his eyes at the alleged 'genuis'. "He's merely a tool."

"Red, Bradley, you and Kevin are like me, Stan and Kenny, but you guys don't care that Kevin's practically abandoned you. And Esther, he's your brother!"

"You can make friends and lose friends. You can't lose your brother... believe me, I've tried." Esther said.

"Look Kyle, let Kevin have his fun." Red said, "It won't last. The other kids'll go back to hating him eventually when he doesn't put out all the money they want for their stupid stuff. Kev's a nice guy, but he isn't that nice. Besides, we all live pretty close."

"Yeah, we could probably meet up at the middle of the night if we wanted to." Bradley nodded, "Well I mean they could, I have... I need my sleep." Bradley said - despite the fact pretty much the entire town was well-aware he was the superheroic Mint-Berry Crunch, he tried to keep it a secret best he could.

"It's happened before." Red said.

xXx

Tabitha Stoley wiped her eyes as she woke up, hearing noise in the other room. She grumbled as she got up, stretching in her sky blue pajamas because that family fucking loves sky blue godammit. She walked across the hall and knocked on her son's door, "Kevin! What's going on in there!?"

"Nothing, mom!" came her son's voice as she pulled on the doorknob,

"Kevin, let me in this instant! I will pick that lock!" she threatened.

"J-just a second mom!" Tabitha quickly picked the lock to open and see three ten-year-olds holding lightsabers. A boy in blonde hair with green pajamas with what looked like mints and berries on them was holding a red one up on the bed, and down her own son in Star Trek pajamas was holding a green lightsaber and a girl with red hair, and green eyes in purple pajamas held a blue lightsaber, the two other kids pointing their weapons at the blonde boy.

"Kevin J. Stoley!" Kevin put the lightsaber behind his back.

"Aww, shit!"

"Less lightsaber games, more making grandchildren!" she ordered, hands on her hips. Kevin exchanged confused glanes with his friends, "Ginger girlfriend right here! Want me move blond pissy-pants boy?"

xXx

Kyle blinked and looked between Red and Bradley as the retold the story of spending that night at the Stoley house. "That bad eh? Well if Kevin is buying freinds he probably won't have trouble in that department, but really. We are in fourth grade."

"You can never start too early, at least according to my mom." Esther said rolling her eyes. She poined across the playground "Speaking of Kevin needing people to make babies with." A battle of epic proportions was going on in the middle of the once football field when a pink paper airplane landed on the feild. Craig had just done a badass Sith Lord move - it turned out was a pretty fun game after all - when he stopped to pick it up.

"Kevin dude, this has your name on it... and lipstick marks."

Kevin had been on a fan rant expalining the Force in detail to Stan, Cartman, Kenny and Butters, when he turned around. "For me? What does it say?" the boys dropped their weapons and gathered around as Kevin opened it up.

"It says 'Meet behind the portables in 5 minutes... alone.' What does that mean?"

Clyde stepped forward after making the necessary sound effects to power down his lightsaber. "It means dude, you're suddenly first on the list. Good job!" Kevin nodded,

"Guess I'll be right back." he said, walking by the portable toliets with the note, looking around, "Hello?" he said, now behind them and invisible to the rest of the playground.

"Over here." Said a voice. Kevin carefully made his way around a corner to be face to face with the frizzy blonde hair and wild blue eyes of Bebe Stevens, grinning wildly.

"Oh! Hey there Bebe."

"Kevin! how are you!" Bebe gave him a smile and placed a hand on his shoulder.

"Uh, I'm fine... you wanted to see me?" Kevin raised an eyebrow, perplexed at the idea of being alone with another girl - Red and Esther do not count in this case.

"So I was thinking we could hang out or something..." Bebe replied

"...but you don't even really know me...least I don't think.."

"Course I know you Bradley!"

"...Kevin..."

"Oh, right."

Kevin grew silent and Bebe tried a different approach. "Kevin, close your eyes." she smiled.

"Um, why?"

"Just do it silly!" Bebe smirked. Kevin shrugged and obeyed, and Bebe put both her hands on his sholders and was leaning in for a kiss when Heidi Turner rounded the corner and came upon them

"THERE HE IS, BEBE IS TRYING TO GET TO HIM. I LIKED HIM FIRST YOU SLUT!"

"Nuh, uh! I liked him first Heidi, I called it back in class!"

"You're just a slut and like anyone with a pulse, you were going on about Clyde Donovan this morning."

"I'll make you eat those words bitch."

"Bring it out on the playground, I'm not afraid of you!"

Suddenly before he knew it a circle had formed around Bebe and Heidi and he was pushed back into the crowd, the voice of Eric Cartman could be heard from the other side of the playground.

"CHICK FIGHT!"

Kenny stepped up next to Kevin. "Jesus Christ dude, you have chicks fighting over you? If you get the winnner can you pass the loser onto me?"

"...uh, sure, Kenny." Kevin said, shrugging. He should do something shouldn't he? He can't let the girls get here, right? Right?

"Dude, are they fighting over you?" approached Bradley, raising an eyebrow.

"...yeah, somehow. I went from being invisible to being Justin Bieber." The school children circled around and cheered as Heidi pullled Bebe's hair and Bebe's hand went to her opponents forhead, trying to pull her back, or maybe scratch out her eyes, Kevin wasn't sure. He was beginning to sense a trend and stepped up between them. "No fighting girls, please this is silly." Kevin reached into his wallet once again and handed each girl fifty bucks. "There's someone else I like anyway, now can we all just get along?" Kids began lining up for their cut of the cash. Esther noticed from across the playground and stepped up in front of her brother,

"Mr. Stoley is very busy, let me speak with him, please." she grabbed her brother by the collar of his jacket, hid a scowl behind a fake smile and pulled him by their group of friends at the swings, Bradley, Red, Terrance and the others standing around them, "Kevin, the fighting's just going to get worse now! You can't just shell out fifty at the drop of a hat, dude!" The children watched before slowly scattering. Heidi and Bebe going their opposite ways.

Only two children remained - Cartman, searching for Kevin before spotting them, and Kyle, who was already on his way. Esther held up her hand, "I said no one talks to Kevin now." she commanded, narrowing her eyes.

"Who's gonna stop me bitch? Go paint some more faggy pictures." Esther said nothing, just raised an eyebrow, a tense but simple glare, "Art is for queers anyway. I knew you were a dyke, I called it."

"She said fuck off fatass!" came Kyle's challenging voice as he stepped up.

"Screw off Jew, this is between me and my buddy Kevin!"

"Like Kevin wants anything to do with you!"

"I'm sure he wants plenty to do with me, I'm like the coolest kid in school." Cartman said.

"No dude, Craig's the coolest kid in school." Kyle said, pointing towards the Elementary school building. Craig stood there talking to Clyde, raising an eyebrow at Kyle and Cartman, flipping them off, then going back to discussing something with Clyde.

"Whatever Jew, are you just jealous my buddy's rich now? Why don't you mind your own goddamn business?"

Kevin stepped forward once again, trying his Let's All Get Along™ technique, taking out two fifty dollar bills. "Come on guys..." he said, and the two boys stopped staring each other down, Cartman's antagonistic glare turning to a grin of pure joy as he held out his hand. Esther took the money, stuffing it in her pocket. Kyle's fists unclenched, and he quickly regained his composure.

"What did I just tell you Kevin? You can't solve your problems just by throwing money at them. That's what the Kennedys did and look where they ended up." Cartman glared at Esther,

"Eh, that was mine ho!"

"Why do you think Esther's more assertive than Kevin?" Bradley asked Red quietly, her shrugging.

"I don't want your money, Kevin. It's wrong." Kyle said simply.

"Your loss jewboy - I'll take his fifty Kevin, don't worry, just tell your bitch sister to give it."

"Uhh sorry dude, Esther has to get her way. She's uhh..." he gave Esther a quick 'I don't mean this' look, twin telepathy allowing her to understand, "She's a total bitch about this kind of stuff."

"Ugh. I'll IM you on Facebook later Kev, I'm going to go play football with the guys as long as your dyke sister's playing bodyguard." Cartman rolled his eyes, hopping away.

"I'm sorry dude, you don't deserve all this shit. People should like you for who you are, not how much money you have." Kyle said simply.

Esther slowly came out of her stiff pose, "Fucking asshole... I'm not a dyke." she thrust out her hand at her brother. "Give me your wallet please, I don't trust you with it as a conflict resolution device..." Kevin nodded solemnly and obeyed, handing it over, the silver Star Wars logo glistening on the front.

"Esther, I'm sorry."

"It's fine. If Kyle has to be an asshole to keep Cartman away, I'll be a bitch since you're so easily taken advantage of."

"It was a good idea, Kevin, it just doesn't work that way. Greed just causes more greed." Kyle nodded. "Look I'm gonna see you later, dude. Good luck." Kyle said, his work here done, before he left.

"That Kyle kid is pretty smart, isn't he?" Esther said, "Smartest kid I've ran into around here besides Wendy."

"That plebian is nowhere near my levels of intelligence." blasted Terrance Mephesto triumphantly, dirty and nerdy as always. Kevin's friends questioned for the zillionth time why they hung around him.

"Oh relax Terry, she menat besides you." Kevin rolled his eyes.

Terrance rolled his eyes, "One day, Stoley, one day."

"So now what?" Kevin asked.

"Uhh... how about we play more _Jedi Knight_?" Bradley said

"Sounds good to me." Kevin opened his coat and took a toy lightsaber out of his inner pocket, activating the weapon, as did Red, Bradley and a reluctant Esther. Terrance took out a smaller cane resembling his father's, "One, two, three go!" The money out of the equation, the rest of the playground stopped caring about the epic battle of Jedi against Sith, the other boys resuming their football game, while Jedi Master Stoley lead his forces against Darth Mephesto.

**To Be Continued...**

Leave a review, keep criticism constructive and thanks for reading!


	2. Chapter 2

_Originally written around January 2011, apparently._

**South Park: Unleashed V2**

**"Rich Boy, Poor Boy"**

_by the SPU Team_

The next morning, there was a loud blaring. Kevin rolled around in his blue bedsheets, groping for his alarm clock to snooze and get another nine minutes to rest. But the clock felt unusually... bugly today. Kevin quickly retracted both his hands and slowly opened his sleepy eyes - whatever sight he first saw, it horrified him as he sat up, eyes wide with terror, "Cartman, what the fuck are you doing here?"

"Hi buddy! Thought I'd bring you some breakfast!" Cartman smiled wide, in a scary way that reminded Kevin of the Joker himself. Cartman hed a small plate with two pop-tarts - his idea of a 'special breakfast' it seemed.

"Uhhh... thanks Cartman." Kevin said reluctantly, taking the plate and looking down. It didn't look bad he supposed. And it's probably more than anything Cartman's done for anybody. "...how did you get in?"

"I climbed in your window of course. Its how I sneak into Kyle's room." Cartman replied as he pointed to an open window. The cold wind blew past Kevin's Star Wars curtains, invading his room. Kevin got up and closed the window.

"Dude, don't sneak into my house. Seriously. It's creepy." Kevin crossed his arms, "Thanks for the breakfast though, I guess. I'll get my keys and let you out the front door."

"Um okay, so any plans later dude? Maybe I could catch you some other time. "Cartman offered, putting down the plate as he got up and wrapped a shoulder around Kevin in a friendly manner.

"Uh, no, I'm good. Thanks." Kevin said, "Could you go out in the hall dude? I have to change."

"Sure I'll wait up!" Cartman said as he waddled out of the room. Kevin closed the door, locked it, shivered and changed out of his Star Wars pajamas into his regular clothes - a green Star Wars T-shirt and dark gray pants, before putting on his trademark jacket. He combed his hair, then opened the door reluctantly.

"I was hoping I could you company on the way the school bus. Just because I'm your friend..." Cartman greeted with that ever-awkward smile. His facial expression gave away his true intentions, the deviousness clearly visible in his eyes if hidden in his smile.

"Uh no, I'm walking with Bradley today. And maybe Terrance if he's in a good mood."

"Any room for one more?"

"Uhh.. wouldn't you rather walk with Stan, Kyle, Kenny and Butters like you always do?"

"Meh, those guys are fags but you you're awesome." Cartman replied with that fake smile, approaching Kevin.

"I'm awesome?" Kevin's facade of calmness disappeared, a serious look on his face, brown eyes narrowed, "Nobody's ever told me that. Not even my best friends. Okay Cartman, it's the money, isn't it? That's what you want?"

"...what are you talking about...I just want to hang out with you!" Cartman said, attempting to lie and cover it up, but alas, it was obvious his true intentions.

"Sure you do. What about 'Kevin godammit' 'Kevin, Jesus Christ!' 'Ay, it's the chink kid!' I know why you're here. Leave."

"Hey hey when have I ever picked on you? Maybe there was that ONE time..." Cartman replied. Kevin's eyes just narrowed his expression clearly showing he wasn't going to be fooled by his bullshit. "AY WELL FUCK YOU! I offer you to be your friend and you just blow me off. Ha! CHINK!" Cartman blares as he charges out the door and closes it behind him. Suddenly there was a knock. Kevin answered it reluctantly.

"Hey Kevin buddy yeah sorry for the outburst. But yeah I'm willing to let it go what do you say?" Cartman asks

"I'm not given you any money..."

"WELL FUCK YOU GEEK!" Cartman finally left the house through the window. Kevin closed it, then left the room and went down for breakfast. His family was already there, sans uncle and aunt, thank God.

"Kevin, we heard yelling what was going on?" asked his mother.

"Oh nothing, just that fat kid from school again." he said, "The one that always uses our basement."

"Oh, right, him."

xXx

Cartman, Stan and Kenny stood in front of the bus stop, smiling, as Kevin stepped between Stan and Cartman. There was a pause before Kevin stepped forward, "This... this isn't right."

"What do you mean, Kevin, of course it's right! No Jews, just you!"

"I'm not your friend. I'm friends with Red and Bradley. Please just leave me alone." Kevin turned to leave.

"Hey, what did we do?" Stan asked.

"Nothing against you guys, just Eric." Kevin walked away.

"Can we call Kyle back now?" Stan asked.

xXx

Kevin sat on the bus at an empty seat, glad he could have the extra space. This happiness was momentary, for suddenly, Kevin was pushed against the window. "Cartman!"

"Hey Kev, buddy, what's up?"

"That seat was taken!"

"Gee, I don't see anyone's name on it."

"Actually Red wrote her name there in Sharpie the other day."

"Gee, really? That's too bad."

xXx

Kevin approached his locker, opening it and grabbing his books. He had been alone and made sure of it, but in a second he felt a tap on his shoulder, "Go away, Eric."

"Not Cartman." He turned around to see his best friend Red Tucker laughing at him. Ah, such is life. Kevin smiled though, glad to have company that would make Jabba the Hutt blush. "Hey Kev. So Cartman's stalking you?"

"Suddenly I'm a light and he's a fly." Kevin said quietly, "It's scary, dude. He even showed up in my room with breakfast. I'm getting kind of worried." he closed his locker, books in arm. Red opened her's.

"Did you tell him to fuck off?"

"I was going to but he pretended I was insulting him and ran off." Kevin shrugged, "I swear, he's going to do something screwed up."

Red ran a hand in her smooth hair, "Oh, don't worry about it dude. You'll think of something."

"I don't know..."

"Maybe Mint-Berry Crunch can help!" Red and Kevin turned around to see Bradley standing in the hallway in Mint-Berry Crunch's pose, although in his normal clothes.

"N-no Bradley, I don't think we need Mint-Berry Crunch's help." Kevin said.

"Nonsense, I'll get you right on the line with-"

"We don't need Mint-Berry Crunch's help!"

"Kevin, I heard you needed help, what's wrong, buddy!?" Cartman appeared, wrapping an arm around Kevin.

"Nothing, Eric." Kevin gritted his teeth.

"Is that soulless Ginger bothering you? Or the Superman rip-off kid?"

"N-no Cartman. I'm fine." Kevin mumbled.

"Here, let me get rid of these assholes." Cartman smiled, "Hey Bradley?"

"Yeah?" Bradley returned to a normal position.

"Esther needs help with... I dunno, some shit."

"Esther? Oh no!" Bradley ran off to find his friend's sister - that, and Kevin was quite sure by now Bradley wanted to get in his sister's pants. (Naturally, one would expell thoughts of their best friend triyng to fuck their twin sister.)

"And how do you plan to get rid of me?" Red crossed his arms.

"Hey Ginger. You're a skank." Red did not move. "You're a ho." Nothing. "A bitch." Nothing still. "A whore." Red slapped Cartman. "Ow!" he rubbed his face, "Can't you leave my buddy alone, you dumb bitch?"

"Kevin doesn't want to be left alone. For what you know, I'm his best friend." Red narrowed her eyes.

"You wish! I'm Kevin's real best friend." Cartman laughed, "Besides, why would he be freinds with a girl? That's totally gay!"

"Heheh, totally gay, heheh." Fosse and Bill laughed together as they passed by... but where Fosse and Bill were, Terrance Mephesto was not far. Kevin silently prayed his friend and enemy would appear. "Yeah, heh, gay."

"Red's my best friend Cartman, leave." Kevin glared.

"No! I'm not letting a skank take away my best buddy!" Cartman said, "She's brainwashing you!" Kevin grit his teeth and clenched his fists in place.

"I can't take this much longer." Kevin said, making a beeline for the mens' restroom. He made his way to a cubicle and sat. He did not have to go - he just needed to be alone. Unfortunately, the Force was not happy with Kevin apparently, as he suddenly heard a voice.

"Hey Kev, you in here?"

_ Don't answer..._

"Kev, bro, come on..."

_ Don't answer..._

"Kevin, come on, man, you in here or not?"

"Cartman, some of us are trying ot pee!" That was Kyle's voice.

"Shut up Jew! You're just jealous because Kevin likes me better."

"Will you put a sock in it? Kevin doesn't like you, dude, nobody does, he feels _sorry _for you and can't tell you to fuck off because he's too nice of a guy to tell you to fuck off like I would. Now quit trying to take advantage of him for his money!" Kyle said. Kevin couldn't help but feel a sense of thankfulness towards the young boy currently defending him even though he wasn't even present.

"Screw you, Kyle! Kev thinks I'm totally tits!"

"No, he thinks Red is tits. You're the guy who used to think they were dating, remember? All those times you said 'hahaha Ginger and Chink are dating'" Kyle put on his best Cartman impression, "Well, fatass, this is your payback for making fun of him all these years. He has a million dollars. You don't. Get over it." Kyle said.

"Wow, you really can't do a good impression of me, can you?"

"No, but Stan can do a great one actually." Kyle said, before shaking his head, "Not the point though. Get over it." Kevin heard the footsteps of Kyle leave. After a moment, he heard Cartman leave. Phew.

And then the bell rang. _Shit._

xXx

"All right class, today we're going to be covering the works of Jim Carrey. Now can anyone tell me why none of Jim Carrey's movies have good sequels? Anyone? C'mon child- Eric, what the hell are you doing?" Herbert Garrison put his hands on his hips and raised his eyebrow, a bit sick of the constant shennanigans in his classroom.

"Oh, I was just going to share cookies with my buddy Kevin." Cartman smiled, taking out a plate of cookies in plastic wrap... although there was a tear and a few cookies were definitely missing.

"Damn it Cartman stop kissing Kevin's ass, everyone knows what kind of bullshit you're pulling." Kyle groaned

"How dare you?! I am NOT kissing his ass I'm trying to be a good caring friend isn't that right buddy?" Cartman turns to Kevin "I even made your favorite double chocolate peanut butter chip.."

"How do you know that's his favorite you hardly even know Kevin. You sure that isn't YOUR favorite?" Stan inquired

"Actually, for your information, Kevin hates peanut butter cookies." Red smirked.

"Yeah, his favorite cookie is Golden Double Stuf Oreo." Bradley noted.

"You guys are liars." Cartman crossed his arms, "Kevin loves peanut butter cookies, right?"

"Eric, Jesus Christ, can we get through one lesson without you arguing with someone? You're even stupider than Clyde."

"Hey!" Clyde piped in.

xXx

"Bradley never told you what happened to your brother!" said a nine-year-old boy in a dark brown robe, his identity unknown to those around him.

"He told me enough." came a girl on the ground, black hair messy, brown eyes wide and a pained look on her face. Her hand was retracted into her sleeve, giving the appearance of a missing arm. She had a sky blue jacket on and pants. She backed away. "He told me you killed him."

"No!" the cloaked one stepped forward, "I am your bro-"

"Kev, my man, what's up!?" the hood fell bac fell to the ground, revealing the boy to be a shocked Kevin Stoley, now being squeezed to death by a massive tub of lard, er, Eric Cartman.

"Hi Eric." Kevin said with annoyance.

"Sorry you have to play with these dorks. Why don't you come play Americans vs. Bosnians with me, Butters and Kinney?"

"I'd prefer to play _Star Wars_. Or Star Trek. Or-"

"Yeah, but in Americans vs. Bosnians you get to kill people.." Cartman smirked.

"Eric, please, let me play with my real friends. I'm sick of you trying to win mee over for my money." Kevin crossed his arms, getting progressively annoyed with Cartman's behavior.

"You're playing with a kid who's half-cereal, your sister, two idiots, and the kid with more than one ass."

"Hey, that rumor is not true!" came Terrance Mephesto's voice. He was dressed in Darth Vader's familiar armor, two Storm Troopers at his side as they stood on the sidelines, Bradley Biggle wearing a Jedi robe. They seemed to be waiting their turn. Scott Malkinson was nearby as well, although he wore no costume.

"Heh, that rumor's gay." came one of the Troopers.

"Totally gay." said the other one.

"Look Eric, I'm sick of this. Leave me alone. Go play Americans versus Bosnians by yourself!"

"Well, I, uh... That's fine! I love playing with myself! I play with myself all day long!" Kenny laughed, "What?" Kevin turned and resumed his game with his friends as Cartman finally left - for the moment.

"I'm getting sick of him." Kevin mumbled as he put his hood back on.

"Heheh, he's gay."

"Totally gay."

"...for once, I'm not going to argue with the dorks." Esther said, "Look, he's gone for now. Let's just play duel some more..."

"Okay... but this time let's play one of the new ones. Let's play _Revenge of the Sith_, Terrance can be Anakin."

"Why him? Wouldn't you want to be Anakin?" Bradley asked.

"Oh, but Terrance's acting matches Hayden Christensen's..." Esther pointed out, a mischevious smirk on her face.

"Really?" Terrance smirked at his abilities, Bill and Fosse chuckling.

"Yeah, you're a horrible actor." Esther replied.

"Remind me to get dad to splice your genes with one of his monkeys..." Terrance mumbled.

xXx

"All right class, don't forget to finish your homework for tomorrow, a one hundred page essay on what friendship means to you. I know it has nothing to do with any of our current assignments, and it's placing may seem oddly convenient to some of you, but if you haven't noticed, I'm not exactly the best at what I do, so give me a break." The bell rang, "See you little bastards tomorrow morning." The kids rushed out of the classrooms, charging into the halls. Stan quickly met up with Kyle, Kenny and Butters by their lockers. Cartman was nowhere to be found.

"Dude, Garrison gives such weird assignments." Stan commented, rolling his blue eyes as he got his backpack on, "I mean what are we supposed to write about?"

"I-it's not that bad, Stan. I j-just wrote about my old friend P-Pip before he died and stuff." Butters noted as he put on his Hello Kitty backpack, smiling at Stan with all the joy in the world. Stan rolled his eyes again. The kids, all in their backpacks, began heading for the doorway.

"I already finished my paper Stan, just wrote about our close friendship between us, you know?" Kyle nodded.

"Yeah, that's what I was going to do. Hey, who'd you write about Kenny?" Stan said, looking to the parka-clad boy. Before Kenny could answer, Kyle noticed Cartman in the distance by Kevin's buddies again, just outside the door to the right. He couldn't hear anything, but Kevin, Esther, Bradley, Terrance, Bill and Fosse had Cartman in front. He was talking, but the others look displeased.

"Aw, godammit, hold on you guys." Kyle said, sighing as he approached them. "Cartman, this is getting just sickening here. Stop bothering Kevin!"

"Godammit you stupid Jew! Stop invading my privacy! Kevin is my buddy, not your's! Stop being so jealous!" Cartman crossed his arms.

"Bill, Fosse, grab him!" As instructed, Cartman's arms were grabbed by the two henchmen, who looked at each other and laughed.

"Heheh, we were helping Terrance a-and now we're helping Kyle."

"Heheh, that's gay!"

"W-what!? I thought you assholes were on my side!" Cartman said angrily.

"All right, I have to uphold my end of the bargain." Kyle said, taking out a small box.

"Heheh, thanks Kyle!" Bill said as Kyle handed it to them. Bill ripped it open and took out a stick of gum, popping it into his mouth, "Oh God! Heuhuhuh!" Fosse took a stick as well before pocketing the gum.

"You guys sold me out for gum!? Pussies!" Cartman said.

"Guys, guys, please!" Kevin finally invaded, having tried to keep quiet, "Kyle, I appreciate your help but I can handle this. Eric, quit trying to get rid of my friends!"

"But Kev, we're best buds, come on bro! Tell these stupid dorks to let go of me so we can hang! We can go home and watch, uh, _Star Trek_. That's the movie you like, right?"

"I do like _Star Trek_..." Kevin began, Cartman glowing, "But I never said that in front of you - you're thinking of _Star Wars_ and making a mistake because you don't know me."

"Heheh, Cartman's gay, heheh." said Fosse.

"Heheh, yeah."

"How do you guys have such tight grips!?" Cartman said, struggling, "Let go of me!"

"Heheh, no." Bill said.

"Terrance? Bradley? Esther? We've always been buds you guys?"

"A plebian such as yourself would wish that, but our only connection is my father feels responsible for you. That is nothing I need worry about." Terrance Mephesto replied, "Besides, I lost the science fair to you assholes, so fuck off."

"Us, friends? Yeah. We're about as friendly as America and China themselves." Esther rolled her eyes, "Come on, you expect my help?"

Bradley was the one worried, thinking - "_Mint-Berry Crunch always helps those in need when they call for help - but this is Eric Cartman, one of the greatest assholes the world's ever seen, much less a foe of Mint-Berry Crunch's buddy Kevin. Nonetheless, Mint-Berry Crunch has vowed to help all in need and-_"

"Bradley, you're doing your internal monologues out loud. Again." Kevin pointed out.

"Aw, shit!" Bradley said, looking to Cartman.

"...One of the greatest assholes the world's ever seen, huh?" Cartman scowled. "Kahl, I'm sick of you trying to control my life! Bill and Fosse, you dumb asswipes, let me go!"

"He asked if we should let him go? Should we do it?" Bill said, "I mean, he did ask and stuff." Fosse simply hit Bill.

"No, you idiot!"

"B-but we already got our gum!" Bill rubbed his head, letting out a small moan of pain. Cartman's hand was free now, as he grabbed his bear mace.

"Good point." Fosse said, letting go. Cartman pointed his bear mace and quickly sprayed at Kyle's face, forcing him back, falling. He then sprayed Bill and Fosse. "Aw, that's gay! No!" they fell. Kenny ran up to intervene, but Cartman quickly sprayed bear mace, hitting him right in the eye.

"Oh my God, Cartman killed Kenny!" cried Stan from the distance with Butters.

"You bastard! My eye!" Kyle punched blindly in the air, narrowly missing Cartman. "Aw, shit! Cartman you dick!" Cartman smirked, pocketing his can of bear mace, and grabbing Kevin and Esther's arms and trying to shuffle away.

"You shall not pass." Terrance stepped in front of them.

"Oh, really boy with many asses?" Cartman said, "I'll roshambo you to pass!" he said, eyes narrowed. Kevin and Esther exchanged fearful glances.

"Don't do it, Terrance!" Kevin urged.

"Are you kidding? Do you have any idea how pathetically simple it would be for me to win ANY game against you? All right, how do you play this childish game of Roshambo?" Terrance asked.

"Like this!" Cartman kicked Terrance right in the testicles, the boy's brown eyes widening, a moan escaping his throat as he collapsed. Now four had fallen to Cartman, all in front of the school. Nurse Gollum certainly had much work to do. "Now let's get to your house, Kev, then we can hang out without these assholes!" Kevin looked in horror at the demise around him at the hands of Cartman.

"Dude, look what he did to Kyle!" Esther said, eyes wide, looking at the Jewish boy sadly.

"Hey, where's Bradley?"

"Aw, crap, I forgot about him. Where could he be?" Esther and Kevin were being half-dragged by Cartman, not able to get the best look around.

"Haha, I'm gonna make it, I-" Cartman stopped in his tracks, "...the fuck is this!?" he said, looking in front of him. Kevin and Esther turned to see Cartman blocked by a blade of pure energy.

"It's a lightsaber, Cartman." smirked Red, holding the blade.

"Is that what I think it is!?" Kevin exclaimed, eyes wide.

"The only real, working lightsaber in existence? Yep!" Red smirked. "Esther and me bought it after school yesterday for you with your money since we knew you wanted it but were too busy giving your money away to go for it. It was supposed to be a surprise, but I figured it might come in handy."

"A real lightsaber!? Haha, you stupid bitch, lightsabers are fake. They're invented by that dumb rapist George Lucas to make money. Watch." Cartman waved his hand through the beam. "See, nothing?" he tracted his hand only to notice his pinky was now missing. "...the fuck!? What the fuck!?" he stared, stunned.

"Are we still buddies, Eric?" Kevin asked, crossing his arms. Kevin stared, looked at his hand, then turned around and ran back towards his house.

"MOOOOM! MAAAAAAAAAAAAAM! MEEEEEEEEEEEEM!"

"Guys, guys, it's going to be okay! I got Officer Bar- aw, crap!" Bradley stopped, Officer Barbrady right next to him, the plump police officer looking around.

"Where's this, uh, evildoer, little boy?"

"He was right here, Officer Barbrady, honest!"

"You shouldn't play tricks on police officers, little boy!" Barbrady scolded, "I have to get back to the Station." he said, leaving. Bradley frowned.

"I... guess I'll be seeing you guys around... shablagoo!" Bradley turned around and began walking towards home.

"Bradley, wait!" Esther shouted, "I'll see you guys later, I better make sure he's okay." she rolled her eyes and chased after Bradley. Kevin and Red were now alone. Red pressed a button and retracted the glowing blade into the metal weapon, holding out for Kevin. He smiled at her and silently took it, eyes widened when he realized it was much heavier than anticipated, then he adjusted it to his belt.

"Red, thanks, I-" a hand was on Kevin's mouth.

"Don't mention it, Kevie. Anything for my best friend." she smiled. He tried to start again, but she silenced him once more, "Kev, you needed my help, I helped you. That's what friends are for. No need to thank me." she smiled, "I'll see you later." she said as she left.

"You know... I learned something today..." Kevin said, smirking, "I'll save it for the paper." he said, walking home.

xXx

"...and that's why Wendy is my best friend in the whole world. Thank you." Bebe Stevens bowed, handed his teacher to Mr. Garrison and took his seat.

"Thank you, Bebe, for your little paper. Not as homo-erotic as Stan or Kyle's, but then again I don't think any of you can hold a candle to that. Next is... let's see... Stevens, Stoley, Stoley, Stotch... all right, next is Kevin." Kevin got up to read his paper, facing his audience - Kyle is bandaged up, with blisters, but his eyes seem okay now. Bill, Fosse and Terrance are in the other class and not present.

"Not too long ago, I won a contest and got a million dollars. At first I was happy with the newfound popularity I got - I had a chance to meet new people and hang around with a whole different group. It was nice at first. But things got sour quick - and next thing I know, my real friends are getting pushed to the side for the new guys. I was abandoning traditions with my old buddies in favor of the other kids. When one of my new friends got out of hand, none of my new friends cared - but my old buddies came to attention. A few of them" he paused for a second, Kyle rubbing his bandage, "Tried to help me and got hurt. And one of them went through a lot of trouble just to make sure I came out safe and okay." Kevin smiled and nodded subtly towatds Red. "I learned something yesterday, and that is that true friendship is about who you trust. When I was in trouble, my three best friends saved me, and some of them got injured in the process. A few of them nearly got killed. Not the people who want to play football with you because you have money. When you're at the end of the universe, the people who follow you there are your friends. That's what friendship means to me. Thank you." Kevin said, nodding and handing Garrison the paper before walking back to his seat, ignoring the angry glare from Cartman, who's hand was bandaged up.

"Well, I stand corrected, Kevin, you did manage to hold a candle to Stan and Kyle's homo-erotic papers. Unfortunately, there's are still gayer." Garrison filed the paper, "Next is Esther Stoley..."

Kevin sat, stealing a sad glance towards Kyle, who forced a smile back - apparently the bear mace had narrowly missed his eyes, sparing him from possible blindness. He then glanced at Red and Bradley, and three friends grinned together.

**The End**

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